


His Sacrifice

by fadedlullabyes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angry Sam, Angst, Cuddling, First Kiss, I don't know what else to tag, M/M, Moments in life, Sam Feels, Sam learns just how much Dean has done for him, Season 9 Spoilers, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2014-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-18 11:43:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1427236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fadedlullabyes/pseuds/fadedlullabyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam calls on Castiel to ask him why Dean feels the need to save him. Castiel considers his question and feels the best way to answer is to show Sam. When Sam comes back, he has to speak to Dean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little something to make me not so mad at Sam. 
> 
> Also, I need a BETA, if anyone's interested, please let me know.

Sam hadn’t expected Castiel to show up when he had prayed. He just wanted someone to speak to other than Dean because that wasn’t getting him anywhere and he might have said some things that he didn’t mean. But Sam couldn’t help the words that had came from his lips after the whole ordeal with Gadreel and being possessed. He hated that choice was taken away from him again by Dean. He knew his brother had a complex but what Sam couldn’t understand. It was unhealthy that his brother would go to such lengths just to protect Sam.

 

He never could wrap his head around it and had tried his best to understand. But Sam was past the point of patience and he couldn’t get the answers he wanted. He couldn’t just ask Dean why he fought so much for Sam, they weren’t exactly on speaking terms and Sam hadn’t missed the expression that crossed over Dean’s face when he delivered his last barb.

 

It had probably been the wrong thing to say but with Kevin’s parting words, Sam knew something had to change. Dean was ignoring him, much like he did when they were younger. It was childish but Sam had wounded his brother in a way that was more than likely unforgivable. Dean had forgiven a lot of shit from Sam but this was something he wasn’t sure his brother would even think about forgiving.

 

He wanted nothing more than to go to Dean and take back his words and erase the hurt they had undoubtedly caused in him. It wasn’t sunshine and roses for Sam either and he was bearing the brunt of his guilt. He put on an act for Dean because he didn’t want Dean to see just how broken he was. The trials had been a failure and Sam knew backing out had been a stupid thing to do. But he was sure he had made the right decision.

 

The memories that followed were hazy at best but Sam could remember Dean begging him to hang on. To tell Dean he had been selfish had been an all time low for Sam but he half believed his words. He knew there was a part of Dean that saved Sam because he didn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life. It was a thought Sam didn’t like and it weighed heavily on his heart more than he wanted to admit.

 

There was no way to turn back time and relinquish what had been said. Sam was sure he could have worded his statement a little better. The tension had thickened and soon the brothers were avoiding each other. Sam could only watch as Dean left the room when he entered, it was evident they were playing the silent game.

 

“I heard your prayer, Sam.” Castiel’s voice broke the spell his thoughts had on him. He turned to Castiel and gave him a weary smile, surprised he had even came.

 

“I need to ask a question, Cas. It’s about Dean,” Sam started. He knew Castiel was the only he could really trust with this since he took his word very seriously and would never tell Dean about it.

 

“Is there something wrong with Dean?” Castiel inquired, furrowing his brow slightly. There were a few things that Sam was sure of and that it was the angel would always protect Dean the best he could. After the Leviathan issues, Castiel had taken a vigil over Dean and made sure to pop in when he needed him the most. Otherwise, he didn’t really interfere.

 

“No, it’s...why did he save me, Cas? What drove him to put that angel in me? I need to know.” Sam pleaded. He ran a hand through his hair and let a heavy sigh leave his lips. This wasn’t how he pictured this but there was nothing more he can do.

 

“I wouldn’t be able to explain in words, Sam.” Castiel began as he frowned. Sam knew the angel was thinking and that spelled trouble; he was sure of it. “I’ll have to show you. I can only show a few instances in time what life was like for your brother.”

 

Before Sam could say anything Castiel had his fingers between Sam’s eyes and he felt a pull. He remembered the last time that he’d been pulled through time. He could still remember his mother and how she’d look and how carefree his father had been. Sam wished they could have had that when they were older. Sam still had dreams where his mother was still alive and made him breakfast every morning.

 

“Where are we, Cas?” Sam questioned the angel. They were in a motel room and John wasn’t there. He saw a young boy with a baby in his arms, singing ‘Hey, Jude’ to the small bundle.

 

“This is a week after your mom died, Sam. That is Dean right there taking care of you. Mary used to sing that song to him to get him to sleep,” Castiel supplied. He didn’t say anything further and just let Sam observe the scene before them.

 

“Hey, come on, Sammy. I know I’m not Mom, but you gotta stop crying.” Dean pleaded with his little brother after he finished singing. He tried to copy what he had seen his mom do to calm Sam when he was crying.

 

Dean showed no sign of frustration as he rocked Sam gently. He pressed a soft kiss to Sam’s little head and held himself together. It was evident that Dean was shaken by witnessing his mother dying. He never spoke about it and now, Sam had proof that Dean had seen their mother die and from the way he held his baby brother, he was afraid that Sam would die as well.

 

“I’ll protect you, I promise, Sam. Daddy says I have to be strong and I can do that. I’ll grow up and I won’t let anything happen to you.” Dean promised into the soft tuft of hair. His body was small as he laid down on the bed and curled around Sam as though his body was the protection Sam needed and that it could provide it.

 

Sam was stunned at what he saw. He couldn’t believe his dad had left them alone in a motel room just to search out a psychic. He had read the man’s journal and knew exactly what he was doing. Sam couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t take his sons with him. Dean obviously wasn’t old enough to take care of Sam; he was a six month old baby.

 

He watched as Dean soothed him down and he stopped crying. There was a small sigh of relief from Dean that made Sam’s heart clench. It wasn’t a sigh of a burden but one that signalled Dean would do this every time to keep his baby brother safe. Sam felt like he was intruding in on a private moment of Dean’s life and looked to Castiel who was watching Dean intently.

 

“I wanted to comfort him.” He said in that gruff voice. His tone was fond, like it always was when Castiel spoke of Dean. “I had been watching over him since the day he was born and wanted nothing more to tell him that he would be fine.”

 

“Why didn’t you?” Sam questioned curiously. This was the first time he had heard of Castiel speak of such a thing.

 

“Because it wasn’t my place. I’m a warrior of God, not a babysitter-my supervisor’s words. It pained me when I learned this happened and I rushed down here to watch over him while John was away. There were times I couldn’t get away from Heaven and I regret those the most.” Castiel had a far away look in his eye like he wanted to interfere in this moment and that was when Sam noticed a man lurking in the corner.

 

It wasn’t Castiel’s current vessel, it was an older man who seemed to have the same features as Jimmy Novak. He was more than invisible to Dean who was now sleeping peacefully curled around his little brother.

 

“That’s your vessel?” Sam asked with a nod of his head.

 

“Yes. I stayed for a few days after your mother died. I knew John would seek answers that would put him on his path and I couldn’t leave Dean alone.” Castiel responded before the scene dissipated between them and they were somewhere else.

 

This time they were in another motel room, it looked more lived in. Sam didn’t really their time here but he was sure Dean more than likely would. He was surprised to see John running out of the door, yelling at Dean to keep Sam safe no matter and that they would have a talk later. The order made Sam frown, because there was something with it that didn’t sit right with him.

 

He glanced back to the room, the door was wide and he moved forward with a nod of Castiel’s head. What had Sam intrigued were the small sobs that seemed to be coming from Dean’s shaking. He was holding onto Sam, face buried into his little brother’s shoulder. It was obvious what this was now. This was the night Shtriga had come for Dean.

 

“He had given you the last of the Lucky Charms earlier tonight. There had been only enough for one bowl but you wanted them so badly he gave them to you. I’m sure you don’t remember that, Sam.” Castiel remarked as he moved to stand beside Sam. “He would never tell you, of course. But this was hard on Dean, he’d almost lost you.”

 

Sam couldn’t say anything. He just watched as Dean patted down his hair and checked to make sure Sam was alive. He was acting like a mother who had almost lost their child. Sam knew he should have make the connection earlier, especially with the way they had worked this case and how Dean had been when they’d arrived in the small town.

 

“I’m so sorry, Sammy. If I hadn’t been so selfish and left you alone, this wouldn’t have happened. I’m such an awful big brother.” Dean whispered hoarsely. He was curled around Sam again, much like he had done when Sam had been six months old. “I won’t mess up again, I promise.”

 

“He was only nine!” Sam hissed when the realization hit him. This was the night Dean had left their motel room because he had been crawling up the walls. He was a nine year old who wanted nothing more than to get out there and do something that didn’t require sitting in a motel room. The devastating expression on Dean’s young face told Sam that this was the turning point for Dean. This was where he started to get more protective of his little brother and wouldn’t let Sam out of his sight.

 

“Your father thought Dean was old enough to handle the responsibility. Dean, after all, was your primary caregiver.” Castiel’s voice held a small hint of affection. It was obvious he hadn’t been around for this incident with the way his screwed up in thought.

 

“Dean wasn’t old enough to take care of me! He was just a kid himself!” Sam argued, hazel eyes burning with fire. He was upset and didn’t want to see anything more. He wouldn’t like what he would see and knew he would find a way to raise John Winchester from the dead only to kill him again.

 

“Sam, Dean bore this with pride. He was happy to take care of you and make sure you were safe. He didn’t trust anyone else to do it.”

 

“But who took care of Dean, Cas? Who made sure he was okay when his world was falling apart?” Sam countered, taking a step toward the angel, fists clenched.

 

“No one,” were the only words Sam heard before they were gone again.

 

This time he knows the place, it’s Sonny’s Home for Boys. Sam had been here before when they picked Dean up back in the nineties. The place is much nicer than when Sam had seen it earlier this year and wondered how it had gone so downhill.

 

This was the day they were picking up Dean and Sam had stayed in the car. He hadn’t wanted to see his brother, thinking Dean had abandoned him on purpose. John’s story had been shotty at best and Sam hadn’t had the energy to argue with his father. He had thought Dean had run away, finally able to break free of John and what their family did.

 

Sam could see Dean’s face before John even appeared. He was happy here with the way he smiled and acted. It was like the weight of the world had been lifted from Dean’s shoulders and he looked younger. His body language wasn’t suspicious of those around him nor did he jump as people patted him on the back.

 

This was a Dean Sam wasn’t familiar with. Dean was smiling and carefree; something he hadn’t been since he was a toddler and their mom had been alive. Dean wasn’t stressing over the hunt nor seeking his father’s constant approval. Sonny’s was doing him a lot of good and he seemed so different from the Dean Sam had grown up with.

 

He was speaking about his grades to a friend as they readied for the school dance, how great they were and how he had been the only one to ace the literature test he had taken that previous week. Sam had known Dean was smart, but the way he spoke and the eloquence that had flowed from his lips had Sam stunned. He was speaking to a friend about how he had gotten here; how he had stolen food from a convenience so he could feed his baby brother. And Sam had to wonder how many times Dean had done that and gone hungry.

 

“Dean was truly happy here. He flourished under these people and he would have gone to college if he had stayed.” Castiel spoke from beside Dean. He could see the angel in his older vessel lurking in a corner, a proud smile crossing his lips as he watched Dean silently.

 

“His soul never shined brightly here, not like it did when he was with you,” Castiel began. “When Dean was by your side, his soul sung in happiness. And while he was happy here, it was nothing compared to how happy he was with you. You are his center, Sam. Whether you like it or not, Dean loves you on a level that rivals almost everything in this world.”

 

Sam couldn’t form words. He had known Dean carried a torch for him, but he hadn’t realized it had been like that. Crowley’s words came back to him, how they were always in each other’s pockets and sacrificing themselves for another.

 

Then, Sam saw John entering the room, looking over it for his son. Sam wanted to push John back out and let Dean have this. He was sure Dean would make something of himself if he could stay here and live out his life without worrying about a baby brother who was too much trouble.

 

He saw the man, Sonny, tense beside Dean and tell him that she would say no to John. But Dean stopped Sonny when he had looked out the window and said he had to go with his father. Curious as to whom Dean was looking at, Sam went to the window and pushed the curtain back. There, in the Impala was Sam, gazing listlessly out the window as if the world would end soon.

 

It clicked. Dean couldn’t leave Sam behind. He couldn’t live this life when Sam was still stuck with their father and was miserable. He couldn’t abandon the brother he had practically raised and leave him to wither under a man who left them in motel rooms.

 

“He left this...for me...” Sam murmured in awe as he watched Dean pack his things and leave with John. Sonny had told Dean if he needed to call him and that he would do whatever he could to help.

 

Dean had shaken the man’s hand in thanks and left without a backwards glance, his shoulders straight. The bright smile that had taken over Dean’s lips when he saw Sam was breathtaking and Sam was sure he had never seen such a smile before on his brother; at least not recently.

 

“Dean had it ingrained into him since he was four to protect you no matter the cost. But after years of taking care of you, he grew to love you, Sam. There is nothing in this world your brother wouldn’t do for you. I know you think Dean selfish, but that isn’t the case.” Castiel was statue still beside Sam before the scene changed again.

 

Sam knew exactly where they were, this was the night he had left his brother and father for Stanford. Dean was pulling up in the Impala, parking it in front of the motel of the week and grabbing the food he had in the passenger seat. He was smiling like he had everything in the world before Sam stormed out with his duffel on his back, face set in a grim line.

 

He barked at Dean to take him to the nearest bus station and climbed into the car. Sam watched as Dean slipped into the motel and dropped off the food before coming back outside. He didn’t have anything with him and just got back behind the wheel without a word.

 

Sam and Castiel were in the backseat, just watching the past without a word. The tension was thick and Sam could see the outline of Dean’s knuckles as he clutched the steering wheel. He had forgotten Dean didn't know what their dad had told him and Dean never spoke about this night.

 

"Just like that you're gonna leave?" Dean asked after several long minutes of silence. There was an edge to his voice Sam had never noticed before and a small plea that was hidden.

 

"I don't want this life, Dean." Sam answered with a tired voice. His fingers rubbed at his temple as if he could relieve some of his stress with the simple action. It wouldn’t work and he was just tired.

 

“I know, Sam. It’ll feel wrong without you there.” Dean admitted as he took a glance at Sam. There was heartbreak written in Dean’s eyes and Sam knew he had put it there by leaving him with their dad. Dean was grasping to keep his mind as he drove and it was obvious that he was close to breaking down.

 

Sam had never noticed and he felt his stomach drop out. Dean had been dealing with John by himself without Sam there to make it better. The way Dean’s body moved told Sam many things, the most being that he itched to go with Sam. But Dean had a sense of loyalty to their father and thought himself useless for anything else but hunting. John had made sure Dean knew only how to hunt so he could never leave.

 

“Hey, I’m sure you’ll be okay. You always are.” Sam responded with a smile that held no ill will.   
  
“Yeah,” Dean answered tiredly. “I’ll always be okay.”

 

The way he had said it made Sam frown in the backseat. He wondered how much of this was Dean and how much was a reaction that he had carved out. It was hard to read his brother sometimes but there were instances where Dean made it easy; like there was a chink in his armor only Sam could spot.

 

The bus stop came up too fast and Sam wanted to tell his younger self not to leave. He wanted to stay by Dean’s side and never leave because he had seen the haunted look in Dean’s eye as Sam boarded the bus with a jaunty wave to his brother with a wide smile on his lips.

 

They stayed with Dean as the bus rolled away. Sam didn’t want to look at his brother, to see his brother’s break down. He knew it was coming and he didn’t think he could watch it and walk away. Dean had always been a rock for Sam but that was then he realized, Dean didn’t have a rock, in his thirty-five years, Dean had no one who took care of him and offered him the same solace he had given Sam on occasion.  

 

Dean’s forehead was resting on the steering wheel, his fingers gripping it tightly. His shoulders were shaking but there weren’t any tears. Dean had never cried where Sam could see him. Sure, there was always a tear around Sam, but he never allowed himself to let it out. Sam had never seen Dean like this, his body shaking while he muffled his sobs so that no one could hear. It made him wonder just how Dean had cried when they were children. He couldn’t remember any instances though and that thought scared Sam to his core.

 

“It was hard to let you go.” Castiel murmured from beside Sam. “He was so hurt that he just lost himself in the hunt. It was part of why he didn’t call you. Dean spent most of this time either drunk or so deep in blood he had to shower for hours. He was stuck with his father while you were free.”

 

“Why didn’t he just go with me?” Sam choked out, eyes never leaving his brother’s body. He wanted to reach out and just pull Dean to him so he could comfort him. He could feel the heartbreak rolling off Dean.

 

“He didn’t want to weigh you down.” Castiel whispered before they were pulled from the scene. Sam couldn’t shake the image of Dean shaking against the wheel of his car. They were standing back in the bunker, Castiel was gone the moment Sam turned to ask him more questions.

 

What he saw was a lot to take in and Sam knew Castiel would have shown him more times in Dean’s life when he had given Sam everything he had. But Sam didn’t need the angel to do that, because he remembered. He could remember the time when they were eating out and Sam wanted the extra value meal but they didn’t exactly have the money.

 

Dean had ordered from the Dollar Menu and had gotten Sam what he wanted. He didn’t really think anything of it when they had tucked into their food, Sam inhaling his while Dean ate his like a civilized person. Sam had caught Dean’s longing gaze but hadn’t really connected it to the food at the time.

 

Sam couldn’t believe he had been so blind to Dean’s needs and what he had done for Sam. He was everything to him; mother, father, brother. Dean had taken up every role without complaint and made sure that Sam had been taken care of. It was devastating to Sam to know all this, how Dean sacrificed his childhood just so Sam could have a better life and be protected. He knew some of it was John’s conditioning, there had been no denying it had been beaten into Dean’s head to protect his little brother no matter what.

 

Dean had been Sam’s world at one time. He thought the sun rose and set on Dean and that nothing would ever come between them. There were times their relationship had been on the brink of extinction only for Dean to reach out and repair it every time. Sam had never taken the first step to mend what had almost been broken and he could feel the guilt swell up.

 

There was no recollection in his mind of ever making the first move to Dean. It was unsettling and Sam didn’t like it. He had to change, because he knew that no matter how much Dean loved him, his forgiveness would only go far. There would come a day when Dean wouldn’t forgive him and they would part ways and Sam was afraid they were on that cusp right now.

 

If he wanted to make things right with Dean, then Sam needed to go to him now. He couldn’t allow this to fester and God only knew what his brother was thinking now. Sam knew Dean took their fights hard and always thought himself at fault if he was left alone long enough to dwell. He walked through the bunker, steadying his nerves because Sam knew that there was a possibility that he would let his own little secret slide.

 

Sam had little doubt in his mind that when he discussed this with Dean, he would tell him how he felt. For years Sam had nursed this particular secret and he wanted nothing more than to tell Dean. But with how they fought and how intense they were sometimes, he had felt it better to keep it to himself. Sam knew there was more than a brotherly connection between them, they were far too close for there not to be.

 

But with the way their life was, it was obvious why neither of them had acted. There was so much they had missed out on because of the insecurity and Sam regretted not saying anything sooner. He was sure their fights as lovers would have been just as intense and there was the possibility that it would cause them problems that would lead to their inevitable break up.

 

That was just an excuse though for Sam. He didn’t want to feel the sting of rejection if Dean were to laugh in his face. It was a fear he’d lived with ever since Sam had discovered his attraction to his brother. It was a dark secret he kept hidden deep because he knew that no matter much Dean loved him, he might not be able to forgive that.

Sam was a bundle of nerves by the time he reached Dean’s room. He had tried to think on what to say to his brother but nothing could come to mind. Sam wasn’t used to apologizing and he didn’t know how to begin. He was also half afraid Dean would slug him a good one for showing up. Sam wasn’t to linger outside of rooms, but he couldn’t bring himself to knock yet. He was trying to keep his nerves steady but there was nothing he could do really.

 

Dean answered the door after three knocks, his face was blank as he let Sam in. He wasn’t used to this silence from his brother and Sam almost bolted. The tension was thick and it hung around like an unwanted guest. There was a suitcase on the bed and already there were clothes thrown in and a few other odds and ends.

 

Sam felt his stomach drop out at the thought of Dean leaving him here in the bunker. His brother would give up the only home he had known besides the Impala just to make Sam more comfortable and give him space. It broke something inside Sam and he turned to Dean.

 

Words weren’t enough and so Sam reached out and grabbed Dean by his arm. He pulled him close and pressed their bodies flush together. Sam wrapped his arms around his brother’s shaking body and kept him in the embrace. He couldn’t let go now, if he did, he would more than likely lose Dean and he couldn’t bear that thought.

 

“I’m sorry, Dean. I know words can’t make up for what I said and I wish I could take them back,” Sam murmured against his brother’s hair. He couldn’t believe how perfectly they fit together and he took a deep breath, Dean’s scent filling his nose as he tightened his hold.

 

“What the hell did I say about chick flick moments, dude?” Dean protested but he made no move to break himself out of Sam’s arms.

 

The chuckle that rose from Sam’s throat was choked a little. He couldn’t believe Dean had delivered that line, it had been some time since Sam had heard it and he was afraid that his brother was lost to him. Sam dropped a kiss to the top of Dean’s head despite the protesting the man was doing. Sam had Dean where he wanted him and he wasn’t about to let go.

 

“I’m serious, Dean.” Sam responded as he pulled back and lifted his brother’s face so he could look at it. His thumb trailed over the plump lips before resting on Dean’s jaw. His fingers curled just under Dean’s ear. There wasn’t any sign of Dean moving and Sam took that as a good sign.

 

“I didn’t think about what I was doing to you. I was only fueled by my anger and I didn’t take your feelings into consideration. I forgot what Dad had trained you to do and I know this wasn’t out of selfishness, Dean. You want to see me live a life that I’m happy with,” Sam told Dean. He stroked his brother’s cheek lovingly and took a deep breath.

 

“I love you, Dean. And I forgot that along the way. There is no me without you.” Sam whispered before he leaned down and pressed a featherlight kiss against Dean’s lips. He pulled back and watched as different emotions passed over Dean’s face. Shock eased into acceptance after a few long moments. This was purely Dean and there wasn’t anything interfering with them. It was just them in the bunker with no outside stimuli.

 

Dean didn’t say a word as he moved his head forward and caught Sam’s lips in a more demanding kiss. It took Sam a moment to catch up with what was going on and soon his lips were sliding against Dean’s. His hand slipped into the short hair at the back of Dean’s head and held it there while he kissed him slowly. He explored Dean’s mouth thoroughly, making sure that he could reach every crevice and committed it to memory.

 

When they broke for air, Sam smiled and made his way to the bed. He took the suitcase from the bed and laid it on the floor before crawling on it. The memory foam was amazing and he couldn’t believe he was missing out on this. He let out a small moan as the bed dipped. Soon, Dean was beside him with his body lined up against Sam’s.

 

“We do this, you’re gonna have to trust me more. In return, I won’t keep secrets.” Dean remarked as he leaned over Sam. His green were serious as they searched Sam for any sort of refusal, when none came, Dean laid down and rested his head on Sam’s shoulder.

 

“That’s agreeable.” Sam answered as he drifted his hand through Dean’s short hair.

  
He had been surprised at how well Dean was taking this and hadn’t started an argument. It was surprising that was for sure but Sam wasn’t about to turn up this gift. He allowed his hands to wander Dean’s body slowly, just taking in each curve and dip so that he could commit it to memory. He wouldn’t mind falling asleep like this and he knew Dean wouldn’t either with the way his body just dumped the tension and relaxed into Sam’s large frame. They would be fine, Sam knew that now and while he knew they would fight; he wouldn’t let anything break them apart. This relationship would be strong. 


End file.
